A Twilight Crossing All Star Christmas 2013
by Luna Raven 1908
Summary: It's Christmas time in Forks, and nothing says Christmas Special like a number of cameos! This is a crudely written story, I'll admit. Hope all you Twi-hards get a laugh!


A/N: This was originally written in 2013. It features Chow from "Animal Crossing",, as well as a collection of characters from various shows and music bands. This is being presented in it's original rough format due to time constraints. Like previous " Twilight Crossing" stories, this was meant to be comedic.

DEER SANTA,

YOU SANTA! ME ARO! WE GOOD! I AM YOUR #1FAN. I HAVE A SPECIAL CHAIR FOR YOU TO SIT ON. IT WILL SAY "SANTA SIT HEER." I WILL LEAVE GRAVY CAKES AND RED WINE BY THE CHAIR. IT'S MADE FROM BLOOD- YUM!

ALL I WANT IS JACOB! PUT HIM IN A BOW UNDER THE MISLETOE OR GET BIT.- LOVE ARO

P.S. WE COULD USE YOUR GIFT IN THE VOLTURI. JOIN US!

Dear Santa,

First off, I don't believe in you. But if you are real, then please forgive Aro for his atrocious spelling. He is an idiot. Why don't you take him to the North Pole? You can freeze the bastard and make a dorkcicle!

If you do exist, I want to destroy them ALL! And I want you to take Aro away. If you do exist, and I don't get what I want, you will feel PAIN! -Jane

Dear Peter Griffin,

You FAT DUMBASS! Your new dog Vinny sucks! He looks like a fucking anteater. Give Stewie the parts for his time machine so he can save Brian. DO IT! DO IT NOW OR LOIS GETS IT!- Carlisle Cullen

P.S. Oops! It has just come to my attention that I wrote to the wrong fat fuck.

Dear Santa Claus,

We are the Cullens. Here are our demands because your reindeer look delicious. Uh-oh! Our pal Garrett just fed on Blitzen!

Edward- more music CDs and vinyl.

Bella- more Shades Of Grey, so I can do that with Edward!

Alice- more clothes! And a Bella doll.

Jasper- a Chow suit, aiya!

Emmett- Jackass series on DVD.

Rosalie- for Emmett to NOT get the Jackass DVDs.

Carlisle- a bar. I'll call it "Uncle McFuckity's Drunk Tank.

Esme- Jacob to stop running around like a dog; obedience training!

Emmett (again)- ok, no Jackass. I'll take a fake ID with the name MIKE KROTCH.

Renesmee- One Direction crap!

Jacob- to feel the breeze between my knees.

Chow- for InuYasha to serve me.

Jacob (again)- for Chow to stop calling me InuYasha. I am not a dog demon.

Chow (again)- I just pooed in that cat box in the bathroom. I want InuYasha to clean it, aiya.

Stitches- some American Girl panties, stuffin'!

We want to chomp Rudolph! Give us Rudolph, you fat fuck!- The Cullens (and Chow and Stitches too!)

P.S. Peter Griffin is also a fat fuck! Bring back Brian now!- C.C.

Renesmee was out walking when she ran into Jane and Aro.

Jane: Take him now.

Renesmee: Why should I?

Jane: No one is home. I have some ass to kill and Aro can't be trusted by himself.

Aro: I am not a child!

Jane: You almost exposed us all when you had that house party last month, chump change!

Aro: It wasn't a house party, Kid N Play weren't there.

Jane: Watch him for me and I'll knock a few points off your mother's bitch rating.

Renesmee: 15 points.

Jane: 2

Renesmee: 12

Jane: 5

Renesmee: 10

Jane: Done.

Jane left.

Aro: I want to play with Jake!

Renesmee: Look here! You get within 100 feet of my boyfriend and I'll stuff you in the turkey!

Aro: Turkeys are practically chickens... fun.

Renesmee: Nimrod. Come on, let's go watch Spongebob.

Aro: I want to watch Jem.

Renesmee: Ok, whatever.

They went back to the Cullens' house and watched cartoons.

Aro: I want pink hair. Where is Chow?

Renesmee: He went home to Big Paw to do some shopping. He'll be back soon, and what did I say about Chow?

Aro: I'm not a'posed to touch him.

Renesmee: Good! I just might knock 10 points off your dork rating!

Edward and Jacob walked in.

Jacob: What's he doing here?

Renesmee: I'm babysitting.

Edward: And I thought you were nuts when you invited Adam Lambert here!

Renesmee: He should have won! The man was screwed!

Edward: But he brought Jordan Knight with him!

Aro: Jordan Knight!? Where? I love New Kids On The Block!

Edward: Uhhh... they're on tour with My Chemical Romance.

Aro:Aw... I hate them.

Aro went back into the TV room.

Jem: (on TV) It's truly, truly outrageous...

Renesmee: Dad! MCR broke up!

Edward: He doesn't know that. So how much is Jane paying you?

Renesmee touched her dad's face and he saw the answer.

Edward: Wow, she was desperate. He is back, Jake.

Jacob sniffed.

Jacob: Chow.

Chow: I'm back, Fignuts!

Chow walked in the house. He brought gifts for everyone, including a dress for Renesmee, Snowman furniture for Carlisle and Esme, a cat box scoop for Jacob...

Chow: So you can clean my shit, aiya!

Jacob: I sure wouldn't eat it!

Chow: Carlisle said my shit stunk, so you're on poop duty, InuYasha!

Jacob groaned.

Chow: I even brought something for that assclown Aro!

Chow sniffed.

Chow: He is here. Why is he here?

Aro ran into the room.

Aro: What did you bring me son?

Chow: Yeah. Me Stewie. You Lois. I KILL YOU, YOU VILE WOMAN!

Four women: The party's here!

The Misfits walked in. This was Chow's gift to Aro.

Edward: I miss Adam.

Pizzazz: Let's trash this place!

Aro was in love. He went up to Pizzazz.

Aro: Would you bear my children?

Pizzazz: No, weirdo! I only want Riot!

Stormer: Yeah, good luck with that since he's always chasing after Jem.

Pizzazz: Shut up.

Jetta noticed Aro's clothes; he was dressed like a king.

Jetta: I'll give you royal children, since my mum and pops are rulers of an island... we're real chummy with Will and Kate!

Roxy pushed Jetta.

Roxy: You are not! You're just poor lying white British trash!

Jetta: That's it! I'm kicking your bloody arse!

Roxy and Jetta started fighting. Stormer tried to break it up, but was caught in the rumble. This gave Aro a special feeling, Edward could read his dirty mind.

Edward: His wife is going to love this!

Chow: That man-child has a wife!?

Edward: YUUUUUUUP!

Aro: Holy crap, this is hot.

Now Pizzazz was in the fight, and the tree Caius decorated all nice was knocked over. (Read the previous Twilight Crossing installments for that backstory)

Chow: This was a bad idea. Hey, Misfits! We're gonna go somewhere else, where there's booze, punks, shit you can break, and "Magic Mike- The Musical", starring Riot as the naked guy!

The Misfits stopped fighting.

Roxy: Booze...

Stormer: ...punks...

Jetta: ...shit we can break...

Pizzazz: ...and Riot as a stripper!?

Misfits: We're there, dude!

The Misfits left, and Edward wanted to laugh when he read Chow's mind.

Edward: Chow has no idea who that Riot dude is.

Renesmee: Where did he take them, Dad?

Edward: Haus Of InuYasha. Billy will be pissed.

Aro: Jacob and Pizzazz will both be mine.

A few hours later, Jane came to pick up Aro.

Jane: You did good, halfy. So as promised, I brought your mama a Christmas gift.

Edward: Let me see it first, Jane. I don't trust you!

Jane handed him the gift bag. Edward peeked in and looked scared.

Edward: I'm in trouble.

Jacob: What is it?

Edward: Nessie, go outside and wait for Chow to come back from La Push.

Renesmee went out to the stairs to wait for Chow.

Edward: It's all 3 Fifty Shades books! Bella's gonna hurt me!

Jacob laughed. So did Jane.

Billy (from far away): JACOB BLACK! YOU'RE DOG MEAT!

Chow and Renesmee came into the house.

Chow: Heh, heh, heh...

Jacob: What did you do, bear?

Chow: Picture it... La Push. Home of the world's biggest punk party! Oh, sure, Pizzazz was pissed when she saw no Riot, but I got her drunk before she kicked my ass, aiya! She threw up and thought of you, Aro!

Aro: All right! It's love!

Edward: Ew.

Jacob: Does this mean you're over me?

Aro: No.

Jacob: So, what else did you do to my house, Fuzzy?

Chow: Your pop's Christmas tree got decorated by Stormer, but then her boyfriend with the mohawk and pierced lip threw it out the window.

Jacob: Why does my dad want to kill me?

Chow: I had the Misfits tell him that you invited them! And I learned something tonight, InuYasha!

Jacob: What's that, throw rug?

Chow said nothing.

Edward: He learned you're not too old to get your ass beat. Billy has his belt off and he is waiting by the door.

Chow: How do you do that, aiya? Oh, and that tiara you were saving for Nessie? Jetta tried it on, but then Roxy broke it. The pieces are mixed in with the broken ornaments, aiya.

Renesmee: You got me a tiara, Jake?

Edward: It came from a cross dressing wrestler; you wouldn't like it.

Jacob: Get out of my head!

Renesmee: Aw...

Chow: Billy is PISSED at you, aiya. Merry Christmas.

Jacob: What a dick!

There was a knock at the door. It was Gerard Way, of My Chemical Romance fame.

Gerard: Is this where the Misfits party's at, motherfucker?

Chow: Follow me or follow the buzzards!

Gerard: Fucking awesome! Jacob, and Gerard left. So Edward was left with Aro and Jane.

Edward: Jane, always remember I loathe you; so does my jeweled long staff. Jane went out laughing and she dragged Aro with her. Did I mention she had him on a harness and leash?

Beavis: Better him than me!

Chow: Second battle- it backfired since Aro didn't fear the Misfits, so I'll have to say Ragball- 1; Assclown- 1.

Renesmee picked up Chow and used her gift to show him her ideas for torturing Aro.

Chow: How do you do that, aiya?

Renesmee: Didn't Stitches come back with you?

Chow: Nah, he's having his own bash in Big Paw. The Misfits scare him, I guess.

There was another knock. This time it was Jordan Knight of New Kids On The Block.

Jordan: Party's over already?

Chow: For tonight. Go to Charlie Swan's crib tomorrow. That party will be bigger! It's Christmas Eve!

Jordan: I'll dress like Santa!

He left. Chow and Renesmee went up to Edward's old room.

Chow: I'm also thinking of inviting CM Punk. Roxy needs a man.

Renesmee: You're weird.

Back downstairs, Emmett and Jasper were carrying photos.

Emmett: We're going to make a lot of money selling these Misfits cat fight pictures to TMZ!

There was a third knock at the door. It was Dr. Silas Clay. He works at General Hospital and is a friend of Chow's.

Silas: Where's the party?

Jasper: I think it ended.

Silas: Damn. Well, I guess I'll go home and practice my "scrape and lick".

Chow: (from upstairs)I hear you, motherfucker! Go to Chucky Swan's crib tomorrow!

Silas: I can't! Sam won't let me! Glad you got here ok, though!

Chow: Glad your scrotum made such a good purse for your woman!

Carlisle: (from upstairs) GO TO SLEEP, FUCKING CHOW!

Silas: This place scares me.

So Silas left and Emmett started looking through the pictures.

Jasper: We don't need the money.

Seth and Leah walked in.

Leah: We do. Here are the ones from Billy's house.

She handed the photos to Emmett.

Emmett: Still no " lez-b-honest moments?

Seth: That's what I said!

Leah: Not every girl who gets wasted goes all "Katy Perry/I Kissed A Girl"!

Emmett: Yeah, and not everyone who would buy these goes around saying " I'm A Lawyer!"

Seth: But these will help us send our mom and Charlie on a romantic trip.

Jasper: That's probably goof since I heard Charlie's getting tomorrow what Billy got tonight!

Leah: Oh shit!

Oh shit was right.

The next day, the Misfits went to Charlie's crib and trashed the place. The girls didn't have hangovers and even brought their friend Clash with them.

Let's just say Charlie missed the days when the Cullen boys stole his toilet or had someone who smelled like Meow Mix squirt mustard all over his bathroom. Even the tampon Christmas tree from last year was mere child's play compared to this. Now Charlie had to dodge broken glass and guitar parts.

Oh, and since it was Christmas Eve, Santa was there!

Ok, it was really Jordan. Renesmee sat on his lap and told him what she wanted (The Wanted!)

Bella: Edward, I know you didn't do this, but you got to take the blame. My dad's not going to believe a panda did all this.

Edward: Wasn't I punished enough last night?

Jacob puked. Charlie couldn't take anymore. So Santa Jordan left the party and Charlie did shout:

Charlie: Merry Christmas to all! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!

Chow: And to all a good night, aiya. I should have invited Bam Margera too, but there's always next year

And in Big Paw...

Stitches: I am so glad we didn't go back to Forks, stuffin'!

Socko: Those Misfits are gonna raise hell worse than these two!

Beavis: I didn't do anything!

Yugi was rolling around the floor in Stitches' house.

Yugi: purr purr purr purr purr purr purr...

Beavis: What male cat in his right mind wants women's perfume for Christmas?

Yugi: Because I like it!

Socko: Oh, I gots to poo!

Socko went behind the Christmas tree and did work.

Beavis: Do work, son!

There was a knock at the door. It was Sparkles, a friend of Stitches and Chow. Socko squeezed that dump out so hard that it made him throw up. Sparkles saw it and ran out to blow chunks herself before she had a chance to say hello.

Beavis: Nice puke chain!

Stitches: You're sick!

Beavis: You're sexy. And Chow isn't here to stop me! Heh heh heh...

Socko: Leave him alone! It's Christmas. Think religious thoughts!

Beavis: There's nothing religious about a cat rolling around in Britney Spears perfume!

Yugi: I LIKE IT!

Stitches: And this is why I will never invite anyone over for the holidays again! GO HOME!

So the 3 cats left. After they passed the gate leading out of Big Paw, they laughed.

Yugi: He's turning into a grouch!

Socko: You mean like Chow? So, do we go home or back to Forks?

Beavis: FUCK EDWARD CULLEN! We go home! Plus, Lola is waiting for me. Hey, Chubby!

Santa's sleigh landed by the road.

Santa: What now, Beavis?

Beavis: 3 requests. 1) Get us home. 2) Kick Edward Cullen in the coin purse. And 3) Start planning for next year!

As they were traveling home...

Beavis, Socko, and Yugi: We wish you a Merry Christmas! We wish you a Merry Christmas! We wish you a Merry Christmas! And a Meowy New Year!

Beavis: Heh heh heh... I just shit in Santa's sleigh!

Hello Kitty: He! He! My foot is smooshed in a cupcake!

After the party, Jordan went back to his house. He was glad the 3 cats weren't there. Beavis humped Jordan's face once and it traumatized Jordan so bad.

Jordan took off his Santa suit and put on his Stewie jammies with the escape hatch in front. He was just getting ready to sit down and watch "Billy And Mandy Save Christmas" when someone rang the doorbell.

Jordan: This better be Santa bringing me a big weiner!

He opened the door. It was Silas.

Silas: Ho ho ho.

Jordan: Damn. What do you want, Dr. Tongue?

Silas: I brought you a gift.

A long pause. Awkward.

Jordan: What is the gift?

Silas: It's a poinsettia.

Silas handed him the plant.

Jordan: I hate poinsettias!

Silas: Oh well, tis the season!

Jordan: Tis?

Silas: The feeling of the season. Right here.

He put his hand on Jordan's heart.

Jordan: That's my udder you're touching!

Another visitor; it was Gerard.

Gerard: What the fuck is up, mothetfuckers? Whoa! Why the fuck are you touching his tit?

Silas: Why do you talk like that?

Gerard: Carlisle Cullen taught me everything I fucking know!

Jordan: I can believe that. Here, have a poinsettia.

Gerard took the plant and threw it out the window.

Silas looked over to the TV.

Silas: Ooh! "Billy And Mandy Save Christmas"!

Gerard: Fuck, yeah!

So the 3 guys sat down and watched cartoons all night on Christmas Eve.

Jordan: Let's do this next year and invite Adam Lambert and Jared Leto!

Silas: Oh, and Max George too.

Gerard: Why not invite all of the fucking Wanted and One fucking Direction?

Jordan: I'll just invite everyone! I have got a year to plan!

TV: Breaking news... Santa has just kicked Edward Cullen in the happy sack!

Gerard: But don't invite Justin fucking Bieber.

Jordan: Why?

Gerard: Because he sucks.

Silas: He sucks.

TV: This is a public service announcement. Justin Bieber sucks.

Jordan, Silas, and Gerard: Merry Christmas!

Gerard: ...fuck nuts!

Silas: Let's invite Ian Somerhalder too.

Snooki: Roger! Lorenzo pooped! You gotta change his diaper!

In Volterra, all members of the Volturi gathered around the pissy Christmas tree (Chow marked it). Aro opened his gift and it was a Duck Dynasty Chia Pet.

Aro: Awwwww... I wanted a medal or a trophy or something.

Jane: Why would you want that?

Aro: Because everyone knows I am a master of sex. Giggity.

SUPER PISSED!

Jane: That's it!

Jane put the harness and leash on Aro and dragged his ass out of there!

She took him to Washington D.C., and left him hogtied in his underwears on the doorstep of the NCIS office.

Gibbs found Aro, all tied up in his drawers.

Gibbs: Oh, this is so NOT cool!

He found Tony and smacked him upside the head, this time harder than usual.

Tony: OW! What was that for?

Gibbs: Merry Christmas! Now kiss me!

Edward: These stories are getting really weird. That kick in my pouch must have scrambled my brains.

Edward closed his journal.

Edward: Alice will want to go to the after-Christmas sales. I might as well show Bella some sweet lovin' until then.

Far away, Jacob puked. He's had it bad this holiday. Poor thing can't sit down. His ass looked like Rudolph's nose, all red and lit up, after Billy whooped it.

Here are some other gifts the Cullens, and other characters, got.

Carlisle- A black shirt that says "FUCK".

Esme- A diamond ring, bigger than J-Woww's.

Emmett- Jackass DVDs

Rosalie- a panda print chair, aiya!

Alice- designer clothes

Jasper- anti poodle hair product

Edward- got his dick broken... it'll heal!

Bella- got Edward to be Christian Grey until... you know

Renesmee- boy band land! All the boy band stuff you could imagine!

Jacob- a donut cushion for his beaten ass. It didn't help.

Stitches- playroom furniture

Chow- wasn't Jacob getting his ass beat enough?

Beavis- bunny lingerie for his Lola

Socko- black faux fur throw

Yugi- Betty Boop underwears

Aro- a Honey Boo Boo chia pet. Ewwwww...

Jane- nothing. She was naughty.

Jordan- a H.I.M. shirt

Silas- he made out wirh Sam. This made him a happy boy.

Gerard- a hamster castle

Mr. Brown- mismatched polyester

Madea- Brown's used underwears. Ewwwww...

Bieber- nothing. He was naughty.

Jessica- a bunch of bananas

Mike- a build your own floppy hooters kit. Build em, trade em, or just put em on to scare your mother!

Brian (Griffin)- nothing. As of this writing, he is dead. But that could change...

Stewie (Griffin)- Bert and Ernie dolls

Shawn (Michaels)- a hair transplant

Hunter (Triple H)- a new suit

Charlie- a maid to clean up the Misfits' mess. It was Consuela and she used 10 cans of lemon Pledge.

Taylor (Swift)- a new boyfriend

And finally... to the remaining members of the Volturi...

TWERKING LESSONS!

Well, that's it. Christmas is over for the year. Now they can go back to fucking shit up again!

Chow: Hey, InuYasha! Come wipe my ass! Put on your elf costume!

Jacob: Christmas is over!

Chow: DO IT!

Jacob: I look like a vulcan in green slippers...

So a belt to the behind wasn't all that Jacob got. Rosalie also got him a plunger.

Jacob: What is this, a blonde's memory retriever?

Rosalie: No, a doggie toothbrush.

Jacob: I don't like it.

Jacob left the plunger and went up to his room. He wanted to watch "Lilo And Stitch". But sitting on the bed was the plunger!

Jacob: Ha, ha, Barbie! Get this thing out of here!

Rosalie: I didn't put it there. It likes you. I'll call him Aro!

Jacob: Him? It's pink! Are you trying to make me mad? Because you're succeeding!

Jacob put the plunger out with the trash. Then he had to piss so he went to the bathroom. He turned the light on and sitting right there was the pink plunger!

Jacob spewed forth a chain of obscenities worse than Carlisle. He threw the plunger out the window.

Jacob went to find Emmett and tell him to keep his wife in check. Alice told Jacob that Emmett was in the garage. Jacob went to the garage but no one was there. Someone sat a box on Jacob's motorcycle. He opened it and got super hosed! Again with the plunger!

Rosalie: Ha! Ha! Ha! You can't fight destiny!

Jacob phased and ripped the plunger into pieces. He also destroyed his clothes, so he went back into the house buttnaked after phasing back into a human. This pissed off Esme, which made Carlisle cuss. But at least Jacob was free of that plunger! Who the hell makes or buys a pink plunger anyway?

Jacob was in his room with no clothes on, watching a Pokemon movie, when Stewie and Brian walked in. Jacob screamed like a girl.

Jacob: Brian! I thought you were dead!

Brian: Naw... I love Stewie!

Stewie: You're fucking creepy, dog!

Jacob: You healed fast from Nessie's beating.

Stewie: Yeah, I did. Here!

Stewie gave Jacob a plunger.

Stewie: Have a plunger!

Brian gave Jacob a plunger.

Brian: Have two!

Stewie and Brian left. Jacob growled.

Renesmee: Jake! A package came for you!

Jacob ran downstairs. He hoped it was the manga he ordered online.

But it wasn't. This had a card attached.

"Here! I love the handle. It makes unclogging dog poo from the toilet fun!"-Aro

Jacob opened the box. It was a plunger, this time with a penis shaped handle!

Jacob: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Three pink plungers...

Two days after Christmas...

And a Brian back from the dead!

Carlisle: QUIET!

Jacob: Not tonight!


End file.
